Another Same Day After Another

So here I am again. Finally shut off the cable all together. I still have internet, couldn't live to see that leave my life. To keep my days full when I'm sick of being on the computer, I have gotten Netflix and Gamefly. Both are worth the price.

L and me are thinking of moving to Portland sometime in February. Been in Colorado for much too long now, coming up on 4 yrs. I don't live in the same place for all that long. Never have and hopefully never will. Portland, I feel, would be wonderful for me. Get out of my current profession, work on going to college, hippie central (anyone who truly knows me, will know how important this is to me), and somewhere new to discover. Plus, L is dying is to go back home. He's not from Portland, but is from Oregon.

I won't ever move back to West Virginia/Virginia. It's a nice place to visit, maybe. I would only visit to see family and friends. But truthfully, both are dreadfully boring. Washington DC is interesting, but worth a visit again. When L speaks of Oregon, he has these places he wants to go to again. The forests, big giant trees that you can't hardly see the tops while standing. The ocean tides clashing against the rocks. The restaurants that he speaks so fondly of. Everything. But for me, I can't find one single thing other than family and friends that would bring me back there. Not one that I speak fondly of. Five Guys? Denver has them. The beach? Only went once and I was 5 and was horribly sunburnt. The forests? Bah, did I ever go? Restaurants? The only one I truly loved got shut down and turned into a Christmas store. I won't move back, unless my fathers health goes downhill.

Other than that, been thinking about all the rest of my family again. Always do. Keep thinking about what I would say to my bitch of a mother if I ever saw her again, what would happen if I met my brother again, my stepmom who I miss dearly, my uncle and aunt who stopped talking to me and choice to pick my mothers side (understandably). Little things like these and all the errors of the past, all the things that has happened many years ago, tend to keep me awake at night. I always wonder what would've happened if I had done things differently.

Tonight, I was bored. Still am, hints why I'm writing at all. I went reading blogs again. The stepmom seems to be doing a bit better than the last time I read some of her posts. I know its strange to call her a stepmom since I know she never married my father, and they have broken up and have been for awhile now. But if I could pick another mother, I would pick her. There was a time where yeah it was hell and I was being called a lying monster and various other things by her, but long time ago and we seem a bit better now. And ummm.... being called lying monster that deserves to burn in hell (spoken out of anger) or a biological real mom you've known your whole life turns to you one day and says she doesn't love you anymore and that she wants to disown you. I'll pick the lying monster argument than utter heartbreaking news that your own mother has given up on you anyday.

And speaking of moms in the wrong, read her blog tonight as well. Apparently she has "Fibromyalgia". I had a roommate once that has it, she didn't deserve it. Saw the pain she was in almost everyday. It looks like hell. Even though my former roommate didn't deserve it, I would say that yeah Mommy Dearest deserves it, and with no advils or pain meds at all to help. Earlier today she posted, talking about the illness. This is a bit that caught my attention:
"...but if I keep "pretending" that it's not there, maybe this illness will go the hell away. Hey, it's worked for all the other pests in my life, why shouldn't it work for this one."
I know her well enough to know that shes making a dig at my father and myself. I believe I've even mentioned somewhere that having a mother "pretend" your not alive sucks. She has pretended both my father and me to not be around and we don't mess with her at all. Maybe I should change that? Whats keeping me back? I know it would only pester her life, and whats wrong with that? Plus, isn't that what "pest" do?

As for the rest of the night, lets see, its now close to 7am. I should try to get some sleep. Goodnight.